The Dentist Chair!

Do YOU know anyone who loves going to the dentist, lying flat on their helpless back, relinquishing all control over to “The Mad Dentist?” What joy to spit blood, have needles jabbed in our swollen sore gums, pink goop crammed in our mouth for impressions, suction devices, hard plastic forced in our mouth for x-rays, & blinded by their stupid bright light. Not to mention the picture on the wall, of fake flowers painted by some dirt ball kindergartner, that is supposed to give us that nice relaxed feeling.

While treating myself to a double stick of delicious Double Mint chewing gum, I almost paid double the price. Out comes a cap (tooth cap, not a golf cap) Better in the wad than down the sink drain. The cap is worth more than it’s weight in gold. No exaggeration.

I phone the dentist, “Hi there, I’m one of your valued customers and one of my caps came off…how much to glue it back on?” “No charge, if we put it on,” was the response. Seems fair. “Come on over, we’ll TAKE care of you!”

Thank God, I wasn’t in any pain. The rates charged at the dentist office are in direct proportion to the amount of pain you are experiencing. Hurt just a little, $350. Hurt a fair amount, $550 (but not fair). Hurts a whole lot, special today $950. Hurts like hell, “How much equity do you have in your home?”
I ease into THE CHAIR and think about what happens to people who are flat on their backs . . . Would it happen to me? A perky dental assistant stops by and skips away with my tooth for some minor cleaning. So far, so good. She returns with a smile on her face! “The dentist will be right with you Mr. McLellan.” Several years later the MAN shows up “Hi Mr. McLellan, it seems we didn’t put your cap on after all.” “Well, OK, I hear someone sheepishly mumble, as in me” No doubt about it…I’m in an extremely compromised position. How much can a drop of glue cost? I certainly hope he will remember that our family did buy him his new Porche Carrera GT (a late-2003 model with an open cockpit and a six-liter V-10 engine that will produce 558 horsepower), the fastest street-legal Porsche on earth at around a cool $180,000.00.

“That will be $120, Sir!” I’m shocked, plus I hate it when anyone calls me Sir. I can feel my blood pressure starting to rocket out of control as I lie there looking up at the “masked man.” No need to stick my hands up, I’m already screwed . . . OR am I? “$120? that’s an outrage, a rip-off,” I yell loud enough for everyone in the other dental chairs to hear….and those in the waiting room, and behind the counter, and in the bathrooms, and those walking by and across the street & truck drivers with loud mufflers driving by…to hear. “Well, Mr. McLellan that’s our policy.” ” Screw your policy! Give me my tooth!!! I rip off my bib, sit straight up in the chair and flex my lats! “Well Sir, (there’s that word again), “what are you going to do about it?” he inquires with an arrogant smirk on his face? “I’ll show you” as I charge out the door leaving stares of disbelief in my wake.

My lovely wife is waiting for me in the car. “How’d it go Honey?” she asks.” “Fine, here’s my tooth . . . the sumbitch wanted to charge me $120 for a drop of glue.” We stopped by Walgreen’s and bought some of the same kind of glue that dentists use for $4, that’s a $116 dollar savings, with glue left over!. I told the cashier what had happened at the dentists office and she said the same thing happened to her. She said the glue works great, and it does. That was two years ago and the cap is doing just fine, thank you very much ladies and gentleman (as per Elvis accent).

So there you have it. Another example of self reliance for today’s sermon.. It would not be discreet for me to divulge the name of the dental facility or the dentist. Above all, my policy is to be discreet at every turn. Integrity and professionalism must be a creed I honor dispite any adversities.

P.S. Dr. Mathis, Castle Dental, Franklin, Tennessee.

Jim McLellan
The Anti-Pro/The Maverick

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